dear friend,

it's been awhile since the last time i wrote to you. i'm slacking off at home lately, doing nothing, skipping chores, laying on my bed, staring at my phone, my life is kinda lifeless and unproductive.

i know this is unhealthy, and it is bad for me because i spent a lot of time by thinking because i got nothing to do and it made me remember about the past which is not good because my past is not something beautiful to be remembered about pfft.

i need to find a new purpose to live with, since SPM is finished, i don't really have any other purpose that could make me excited when i wake up in the morning ((actually i always wake up at night nowadays)) i sound like a total nerd, but yeah SPM was a purpose to live with back then that make me get up after being awake in the morning.

i've been thinking about working but i dont want my driving class to clash with my work hours, that would be a major problem to me, since i'm kinda suck at planning and arranging things. so i decided to not to work for this month and probably next month too, plus brother is getting married soon, wish you'll be there though, maybe with a cute dress that enough to make me smile when i saw you.

so without a purpose to live with and a lot of time, i think i'm turning into a mess, a beautiful mess that can't be clean up, what a metaphor dude. Just kidding though, i need to find something that's totally rad to do, while waiting for my driving license and etc that i need to settle up before result is out.

Love, amir

Dear friend,

maybe i was too young for this, maybe it is because my unstable hormones or maybe it's just what humans do because we were born with brain and mind.

i just had another disappointment, let's just say i had it because i was so eager finding for an answer. i just wish i didnt. but that was just me, i was curious, why does it ended up that way? does it have to be like that? or this is just some kind of conspiracy that no one ever known.

"Life is an adventure"

maybe it is a part of adventure, to feel disappointment, because the days dont always shine, sometimes there's rain. but is there any ways or clues to erase off this disappointment faster than mourn over it like for a week or so? im sure im not the only one who have tasted disappointment, im sure a lot of people out there tasted it, maybe tasted it more than ive ever tasted.

some people said make yourself busy is the way, but isn't that like smoking weed or getting drunk? except you were aware of tat situation. sooner or later it will come back invading your mind, the disappointment, trust me it will. because it happened and you felt it and it cant be gone, it will be a part of your life. unless you got this men in flashlight then you dont need to be worried.

what's the purpose of existing actually?

her eyes are like diamond,
they're blue and shining,
she's something,
something you can't get enough of.

you're standing there,
thinking about her,
thinking about how magnificent is she
thinking about you and her.

but it wasn't real,
what you had, what you shared,
it wasn't real,
she wasn't real.

your heart is like wildfire,
it can't be controlled,
it breaks into pieces,
when you knew she wasn't real.

you fell into the depression,
only sorrow accompanied you,
day and night there's nothing else,
only the fact that she wasn't real.

maybe she's like ruby sparks,
maybe she isn't,
maybe she was special,
but you've to let go.

memories shouldn't be reminisced,
memories should be treasured,
or else you'll be drowned,
of things that you reminisced.

move on.

dear friend,

maybe you are gone, but i've been missing you with all of my might. life has been ordinary for now, nothing new like how i've missing you day by day. no miracle happened, so do disaster.

i hope you're fine up there, i hope you are watching me with a smile. what you've been through still fresh in my mind, the suffer, the tears, i remember all of it. i still can't forgive myself for not being there for you through your hard times, it's like the greatest fault that i've commited. even though you understand that my life was hard, finals were coming, i still, can't forgive myself. this fault makes me misses you even more, misses what we used to have, misses our silly chats, misses the silly face pictures you gave me when we're bored, i miss all of em.

you are a good friend, a good listener with a good sense of humour and also the one who's so hyper and energetic. Yeah i still remember by just chatting with you, i'm already all cheered up and happy, you got this magic to cheer me that no one ever have. still can't believe in a blink of an eye you're already gone, gone by my side. going to the other side, leaving me behind. i cried when i heard the news, it was unexpected, my friend had to pat my head several times to calm me down. that moment is still fresh in my mind.

i miss you, i really hope that you never have to leave me behind, but that's impossible, we can't change what did god have decided. maybe if i can just turn back the time, to the time where we just knew each other, it will calm me down, but that will never be enough to replace the thoughts of missing you.

remember the time when we plan about our first meet? it was exciting, i laughed when you said i need to accompany you shopping, but i smiled when you said it would be fun if we met. sadly we didn't really have the chance to meet do we? since you're gone and i'm here missing you.

i will always remember you, because you're one of those who's important to me, i'll tell my kids how it feels like losing someone you love unexpectedly, i'll tell my kids how this friend of mine affect my life so easily. i hope we could meet some day, maybe not in this world, maybe in another world, who knows.

al-fatihah .

there's life and there's death.

and death is not an option, but then why some of us think of suicide? being hated, not being loved back, being an option to another, being whatever you despise which could led you wishing "oh im better gone than exist." yeah.

god let us born to this world for a reason, and god took our lives for a reason too, it would be sucha waste to think that suicide is a better way for you. It never will, never will be a better way for any of us that lives in this world. Sometimes, people think of suicide because they were never satisfied with how the world treat them. But that is not a reason to suicide, there's a lot of others, that's facing much, much worse real life experience than us. Those who's still standing strong, finding reason to live. Those who wanting to suicide because of stupid things should be ashamed of themselves. You, yeah you should be ashamed, if you want to suicide while over million of people suffering poverty breaking every single molecule of sweat to improve their lives.

There's a lot more reason to live, rather than a single reason to cry and to think of death because of it. It will never be a solution, or even a conclusion. Make it worth, because life is a gift and don't make it as a waste. Even God despise those who decided to suicide, because they wasted to greatest gift that God had given. Maybe life is sad, maybe life is miserable, but you can turn it into something sensible. Rather than waste it and not being forgiven.

Hidup ini umpama pengembaraan, kita tidak tahu apa yang menanti kita di masa hadapan, kita hanya boleh membentuk satu pelan tapi tidak semestinya pelan itu akan menjadi bukan? Kerna apa pun boleh berlaku di masa hadapan, sesuatu yang dijangka ataupun tidak. Semuanya terpulang kepada tubuh dan jiwa sama ada bersedia atau tidak.

Bagaimana dengan masa lampau? Masa lampau ialah perkara yang tidak boleh diubah walau bagaimana keras kita mencuba. Masa lampau perlu dilupai atau dijadikan pengajaran, buang yang keruh ambil yang jernih. Aku amat pasti, hampir semua makhluk di dunia ini mungkin ingin mengubah masa lampau mereka, lagi lagi remaja. Aku juga yang hidup sebagai seorang remaja ketika ini (ceh), memang tak dapat dinafikan itu merupakan satu fakta. Remaja kadang kadang melakukan perkara diluar kemampuan akal waras mereka, jiwa muda, ingin mencuba semua benda, itu lah remaja. Tuntasnya, suka atau tidak, kita tidak boleh mengubahnya, itu adalah satu fakta yang kita kena hadapi dan tanggung. Nyalakan kesilapan di masa lampau di dalam kepala, supaya kesilapan itu tidak akan diulang. Kita mungkin tidak boleh mengelak tapi kita boleh membendungnya.

Tubuh kaku di keheningan malam yang ditemani oleh muzik yang diminati oleh anak muda pada masa kini. Mengadap skrin komputer dah berfikir tentang masalah yang bermain di kepala. Alangkah indahnya jika masalah itu dapat dilesapkan daripada fikiran dengan begitu sahaja, tetapi itu hanya sekadar impian yang mungkin tidak dapat dikecapi. Mungkin dengan membuatkan diri berhalusinasi, masalah itu akan hilang, tetapi itu hanya untuk sementara, apabila kita mula kembali waras, dengan sepantas kilat masalah itu akan kembali menghantui ingatan kita. Tidak ada cara lain untuk melupakannya melainkan dengan cara menyelesaikannya, kita tidak patut lari daripada masalah yang sedang bermain di kepala, kita tidak boleh lari daripada masalah, ia akan mengejar kita, walaupun secara realiti ia tidak mempunyai kaki untuk mengejar. Ia akan sentiasa kekal di minda selagi belum diselesaikan, sentiasa kekal bersama kita, alangkah indahnya jika masalah itu ibarat seorang kekasih, yang sentiasa kekal bersama kita. Tetapi masalah bukannya kekasih, kerana ia hanya menambahkan duka, sementara kekasih boleh menambah duka dan juga lara. Kita tidak boleh membiarkan masalah, terbiar di penjuru sudut fikiran kita, kita tidak boleh mengelak daripada menyelesaikannya. Dengan akal yang waras yang dikurniakan oleh tuhan, kita perlu menyelesaikannya, mesti ada caranya. Tuhan tidak kejam, Dia yang maha mengetahui tidak akan memberi masalah yang kita tidak mampu hadapi. Gunakan akal yang dikurniakan, selesaikan masalah sebaiknya. Kekal tenang dan berusaha menyelesaikan masalah.